The Heart of it All
Posted: March 20, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »It’s 3:10 AM. My daughter wakes up crying. The Hubs gets up and changes her diaper, then I get up and nurse her. I’m sitting in the chair in her room in the dark, barely able to keep my head up, trying not to fall asleep while she nurses with vigor and life. She pulls, pulls, pulls with her hungry little lips. Her soft hands caress me for comfort.
After a little while, she stops moving her hands, and her pulls become softer. I squint through the darkness to see the line of her heavy eyelashes across her cheek. She’s beautiful. I thank God for her.
She lets go of my breast and lets out a satisfied sigh. There is no better reward for this mama than her content sleepiness. I lay her back down in her crib, and she doesn’t move a muscle. I turn her monitor on, slip out the door, and go back to bed for two more hours.
This, my friends, is what makes my heart happy.
My daughter is 11 months old. Almost a year. Almost at the point where people say, “Great job breastfeeding her for a year! Now, where’s the bottle?”
And that’s the thing. What is it about a year that means I won’t be nursing her anymore? American social norms? The ability of her stomach to process cow’s milk? The stigma of a toddler walking up an pulling at my shirt for “nursies?” I was one of those people. I cringed when I heard about older babies and toddlers nursing. “Wean them and be done! If a kid can walk up to you and ask to eat, then he is too old to be nursing.”
And then she happened. Nursing her happened. It’s become one of the greatest joys of my life. The closeness I experience with her is incredible. The sense of satisfaction for both of us after a good nursing session makes everything worth it. Now here she is, 11 months old, and we’re still going strong.
Technically, we’re not at the point where it’s called extended-nursing, yet. However, people are starting to give “suggestions” that we should stop nursing at night, stop pumping at work, stop nursing at lunch, etc. “After all, she’s almost a year! You don’t want to keep feeding her at night forever!”
Well, that’s true. It’d be awfully awkward to have to go to college with her so that she could nurse at night. And her honeymoon would be even more awkward. That’s ‘forever’ people!
1 year, 2 years, 3 years… that is not forever. That is a blink of an eye. My baby is fast becoming not-a-baby. Before I know it, she will be starting kindergarten. Then she’ll have her first school dance. Then she’ll be valedictorian of her graduating class. Then she’ll get her doctorate and cure cancer. It’s all happening so fast!
I’m savoring every moment with her. I’m not rushing anything. She stares up at me with her big, blue eyes when she’s nursing, and I can’t fathom making her stop before she’s ready. When she is ready, she’ll stop. She’ll probably be ready before I am.
I’m not putting a timeline on nursing. She’s happy. I’m happy. She’s continuing to get the best nutrition I can give her. She’s continuing to receive all of the antibodies I make so she can stay healthy. She’s continuing to be comforted in the best way possible. She’s continuing to be close to me in the way only a mother and her baby can be close. And that’s the heart of it all.
Thanks, Ms. Schrotenboer
Posted: March 13, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »In high school, I was assigned an essay by the esteemed Ms. Schrotenboer. It was either for creative writing or philosophy. It could have fit into either category, both classes were taught by the same teacher, and I can’t remember which class it was.
The essay was to be our Life Philosophy. I don’t remember many details, but I do remember having to really look deeply into myself and pull out some solid beliefs I held. It was a difficult and rewarding experience for a 16-year-old.
I have no idea what I wrote. I wish I still had the paper. It would be really interesting to read it now.
…now that I’ve been living outside the bubble of my privileged, judgey high school world for over ten years
…now that I’ve been immersed in a diverse and open university setting for an extended period of time
…now that I’m married
…now that I’m a mother
…now that I’ve seen death and cancer and depression and anxiety and loss
…now that I’m a full-time working member or society
…now that cell phones and the internet are popular and widely-used.
I wonder how these external factors have shaped me at my core. When I think about major life issues, I don’t think I’m all that different. I’m still fairly liberal when it comes to politics, I’m still a practicing United Methodist with the same basic spiritual beliefs.
I’ve probably become kinder, more self-aware, more financially conscious, more dependent on God, less dependent on other people (that one for sure), more joyful, more open, more confident in who I am, less confident in how I look, (a little) less judgemental, and definitely more compassionate.
I think it’s time I wrote out all of these belief systems and aspects of myself. It will be therapeutic and interesting.
One thing I’m going to need to be aware of when I’m writing is the difference between what I profess to believe and what I actually live out. My perfect self, vs. my actual self. I could write a looooong series of posts about my perfect self and who I would be if only I had all the energy in the world, all the time in the world, and all the money in the world. But that is not reality (darn it all). In reality, I’m an overweight, energy-less, up-all-night, nursing mother with a small bank account, a full-time job, and a desire to do my absolute best in life…while sitting on the couch. Just being honest here!
I’m hoping that by writing out my personal philosophy, I’ll gain some clarity and be able to align my priorities with what I profess to believe.
Ready? Onward.
test
Posted: February 7, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »This is a test to see what and how things post when I email a post to wordpress. :)
I Heart Faces {Family Fun}
Posted: January 16, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized 3 Comments »This week’s theme on IHeartFaces is Family Fun. My entry for this week was taken on Sunday, January 16, 2012. The Girly Girl and her cousins were lined up on the couch. Hilarity always ensues when we try to get the cousins to take a picture together. For this picture, it was T’s first birthday. The birthday boy is right in the middle. At least he is looking at the camera!
I Heart Faces {Holiday Bloopers}
Posted: January 2, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Christmas, Humor, I Heart Faces, Photography 1 Comment »What’s a girl to do with her brand new Nikon D5100? Why, start participating in photo challenges, of course! This week’s non-juried challenge is Silly Holiday Photos. Enjoy.
{When Nature Calls}
There are some things that have to happen even on Christmas morning.
We call this one, "Turd in the Punchbowl."
I will EAT the new year!
Like this:
Be a Grown Up
Posted: December 28, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Discipline, Growing Up, Grown Up, New Year's Resolutions Leave a comment »I read a story once about a little family. The mom and dad were sitting on the couch watching a movie after their kid had gone to bed. The kid woke up from a bad dream, went to the top of the stairs, and called down to his parents, “I need a grown up!” The mom and dad looked at each other. “There aren’t any here!”
That story resonated with me when I read it years ago. Before marriage. Before baby. Before I actually was an adult. I didn’t think I’d ever get to the point where I felt like a grown up.
And that’s been true so far. Even though I have a husband, a dog, a mortgage, two cars, a full time job, and a BABY, I still don’t feel like a grown up. An adult? Yes. But I think being a grown up is more of a state of mind.
A grown up lives less like a college student and more like (yikes!) your parents. I know some people who have kids in college and are still not grown ups themselves. And I know a few kids who are not really kids, but grown ups, like my 16-year old cousin, Hannah. She might still be a teenager, but she has all the makings of a respectful, responsible grown up.
At 28 years old, I think this is the year for me. A year for discipline in place of sloth. A year for generosity in place of selfishness. A year for wise choices in place of poor decisions. A year of nurturing relationships instead of letting them ride. A year of being grown up.
So, without further ado, the resolutions:
1. Send birthday, anniversary, thank you, and other cards.
I have a pattern of buying cards and never sending them. Or half-completing a hand-made card. Or just having good intentions but never following through. Oh, if only everyone could just know my good intentions! This year, I am ordering all of my cards ahead of time (making them cheaper than buying them individually at Rite Aid throughout the year!), addressing and stamping envelopes, and having them ready to go in box, filed by date.
2. Get up, dress up, show up.
A friend of mine printed out this long list that some old lady made of one-line pieces of advice. One of them was, “No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.” I actually started doing that before the Girly Girl was born, but after… well, not so much. The getting up and showing up- yes (kind of impossible not to). But the dressing up has been optional these past eight months. Not anymore! First things first, I am going to get an amazing hair cut. I haven’t had a hair cut since before the Girly Girl was born. Yowza.
3. Keep my house and car clean.
I have some slight hoarding tendencies, balanced by days of unmerciful decluttering. I have good intentions of putting things away when I’m done with them (there go those intentions again), but I get side-tracked. Before I know it, my pristine house is a mess again, and I feel overwhelmed. This is one of those grown up things again. I think our house looks like a college apartment more often than it looks like a real, grown-up house. It’s time to take control of that. As for my car, I used to keep it in amazingly clean condition. I took pride that it was always like getting into a brand new car. And then I got pregnant. I had a horrible pregnancy, and I couldn’t spare the energy even to keep my car clean. After pregnancy? Well, now I’m bringing in the car seat, the diaper bag, the daycare bag, and my ever-present breast pump. I have to bring in my pop bottle and shopping bags, too? It just hasn’t happened.
4. Nurture relationships.
Going along with sending cards out, I’m very neglectful in returning emails, returning phone calls, being the one to initiate a conversation or make plans, and just being a good friend/sister/daughter/wife. I’m such an introvert, and I can go days, weeks, and months without talking to people. But I recognize that relationships take work, and I’m willing to show people how much I care by putting that work into them.
5. Make art.
My studio has been neglected and my projects put on hold. After I get the Girly Girl down for the night, I usually just collapse into bed myself. I never intended to lose who I was after having a baby. I’m not going to let that slide farther and farther away. I will make art.
I think five is enough. Plenty. Verging on too much. These five things are resolutions I sincerely want to keep and am willing to put in the work and willpower and discipline to make happen.
Words
Posted: November 1, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »I have some sort of weird sickness. I thought at first, maybe it was the flu. But now I don’t think so.
My symptoms:
- Severe, insatiable thirst
- Muscle fatigue… kind of
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Posted: October 15, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Annoying, Coughing Baby, Pinterest, Power, Random Stories, The Girly Girl Leave a comment »I’m sitting here in my pretty little house watching my pretty little tv with my pretty little lights on. I decide to go to the pharmacy to fill the girly girl’s prescription for her cough. I change her diaper, put on her hat, pack her up, and go. Then we get to the pharmacy only to realize that the whole town is without power. Except us at home, I guess. And that’s a blessing, except my coughing baby doesn’t care if we have power. But she does care that she’s coughing. And so do I.
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One time, I was driving from one large city to another large city. In between City A and City B is a small town. I know the small town pretty well. My grandparents used to live there, and we stop there sometimes for various things. So I was driving at night, and I needed gas. I exited the expressway, but I couldn’t find the gas station. I couldn’t find anything. I must have been in the middle of corn fields. I must have taken the wrong exit. So I drove to the main road in the town, intending to go a few miles up to where I really wanted to be. When I got there, I realized that the town did not have power. I really had gotten off at the right exit. I had passed all of the gas stations and stores, not realizing they were even there because it was so pitch black.
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Both of my best friends are nine months pregnant and ready to have their babies at any point. I’m going out to dinner with one of them tonight. The power had better not be out. I need time with my friends before they get lost in newborn land!
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The girly girl fell asleep in the car on the ride home from the powerless pharmacy. She is currently sleeping in her car seat a few feet away from me. I’m using this as an excuse not to get things done. Don’t want to wake the baby, so I guess I’ll just stare at Pinterest!
I Am ME, Hear Me Roar!
Posted: October 14, 2011 Filed under: Uncategorized Leave a comment »
Can I just say… I am kicking some BUM today! I would use stronger words, but I like to keep things family-friendly.
I’m kicking-A in the midst of some not-so-great situations. The Puppy and the Girly Girl both decided that 4:20 AM was the perfect time to get up today. I made the puppy settle down, and I got the girly girly back to sleep by the time I had to get myself up for real at 5:00.
Middle of the day today, I had to go to the lady-parts doctor. Bing, bang, boom, and I was done. Well, there was no bang. That’s good.
After that, I went to the girly girl’s daycare to nurse her. She ate like a champ and only attempted to put her thumb in her mouth once (instead of what is supposed to be in there-ha!). Then I did my best to brighten the day care lady’s day. I think it worked. Then I kissed the girly girl and was on my way.
In the car, I called the car dealership to give them a (polite) piece of my mind. They have my car. I have The Hubs’s car. They’re supposed to provide a courtesy car because this was a recall issue. They didn’t provide a courtesy car, and the hubs needs to be able to pick the girly girl up from day care. I was not taking ‘no’ for an answer, even though ‘no’ was what they were trying to say. End result? The hubs is driving a rental car, paid for by the dealership.
Hy-YAH! …that was my karate chop voice.
AND- I made 12 ounces of milk in two pumping sessions today. That’s three meals for the girly girl. Holla!
Oh, and in a few minutes here, I’m prepared to kick some bum at the girly girl’s doctor’s office, too. Politely, of course. But I will get schtuff done!
One last thing, I made a tutu today, as well. I rock. And Boo Yah.
